That Witch Just Won't Die!
by AliuIce0814
Summary: In Which Claudia cannot and will not kick that dang bucket. All-request fic: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IF YOU ASK, but CLAUDIA CANNOT DIE! In honor of one of my favorite characters from PC. AU, obviously. MAKE YOUR REQUESTS PRONTO!
1. I Thought That's What Tuxes Looked Like

Hey, y'all! This is my first foray into the wonderful world of Sonny, Olivia, Carly, Jason, Sam, and everybody else (they breed like rabbits, don't they? Hmm.) Here's the deal: in honor of my favorite bitchy character, Claudia, who it seems is due to kick the bucket, it's the Claudia fic where ANYTHING—I repeat, ANYTHING—can happen, but…dun dun DUN!...CLAUDIA CAN'T DIE!

Yep, in this story she's invincible. When I say anything can happen, she can fall off cliffs a la Wiley Coyote. Sonny can dance the Macarena in front of a Russian mobster. Jason can make out with a pineapple…you get the idea…but CLAUDIA CANNOT DIE.

The best part? After the first chapter, it's all requests. Anything goes.

I hope to hear from you soon!

And now, ladies and gentledudes, without further ado, I present to you the one, the one, direct from Port Charles, New York…Here's Claudia!

Chapter One: In Which Everything Goes to Sam Hell (or is it Sam Heck? Or Sam Hill?)

As parties go, this one sucked. Somebody had spiked the punch, so Kate Howard was doing the Wave as Olivia sang the Italian National Anthem backwards in Dutch. This, in and of itself, was not a problem. However, Claudia had left her camera in her room, and Spinelli, Maxie, and Jason were in there. Claudia was pretty sure they weren't doing anything disturbing.

At least, she hoped beyond wildest hope that they weren't doing anything. Claudia had done some perverted things in her lifetime, but she still had her limit. What if it all were caught on camera, and when she rewound the tape later?...

Best not to think about that.

"Psst!"  
Claudia whirled around. One hand instinctively slipped to the pistol tucked in the folds of her dress. To her surprise, the only thing behind her was an ice sculpture of a beaver.

"Psst!"

Claudia frowned and shook her head experimentally. "Did that ice sculpture just 'Psst!' me?" she wondered aloud. "Maybe I should get that checked out."  
"Claudia, you idiot! Over here!"  
"Johnny?"

Sure enough, her baby brother was hidden behind the ice beaver with a glass of punch in hand. Claudia hurried over to him. "Johnny, what the Sam Hell are you doing here?"  
"I thought it was Sam Heck."  
"No, I think it's Sam Hell. Or is it Sam Hill?" Claudia shrugged and tossed her dark locks over one shoulder. "Why are you hiding behind a giant—Is this supposed to be a woodchuck?"  
"Beaver, Claudia. It's a beaver."  
"Why a beaver?"  
"Shut up!" Johnny's eyes darted around nervously. "Listen. Jason knows, Claudia! He's going to tell Sonny!"  
"Knows—" Claudia's breath caught. "How do you know that Jason knows?"  
"I know that Jason knows because Michael knows what you know, and he told me that he's going to tell Sonny what he knows, but he wanted me to know first."  
Claudia squinted at her brother. "You know that Jason said Michael what?" Her gaze landed on Johnny's glass of punch. "John, you're wasted."  
"No, I'm not!" Johnny staggered sideways and almost upended the woodchuck/beaver. "Well, maybe I am," he conceded, "but that's not the point! Sonny's going to kill you.""  
"You're neurotic. Sonny loves me now, Johnny. Don't worry. I have him wrapped around—"

"Claudia WHAT!?!" a voice roared. Johnny smirked.

"You were saying?"

"Oh, screw you," Claudia muttered. John grabbed her wrist as she tried to stand.

"Claudia, you may have been a bitch, but for God's sake you're my sister. Listen to me. Get the hell out of town. It's your only way!"  
"Too late."  
Kate Howard had danced over to the ice sculpture and was grinning victoriously. "Oh, Sonny! I found her!" she crowed. Claudia flipped her off, but Kate merely crossed her eyes and started to flirt with the ice beaver. Claudia sighed and stood reluctantly. John groaned and sat back to watch what ensued.

"I'm going to kill you for what you did to my son," Sonny growled.

"Ian Devlin did it, not me, okay? I told him to aim for you!" Claudia retorted. Sonny glared at her.

"That's comforting! My own wife wants to kill me!"  
"That was then! This is now, Sonny!"  
Sonny took a step towards Claudia. Inadvertently, Claudia shrank away as visions of her father filled her mind. "I don't want to die," Kate Howard whimpered to the beaver.

Sonny was nearly upon Claudia when he froze. To everyone's astonishment, the mob boss's hands fell to his sides. Sonny Corinthos sneezed once, twice, thrice.  
"Ew. Use a tissue," Lulu whispered.

Claudia opened her mouth to say something—

--and screamed.

"What the Sam Heck is that?" Johnny whispered to Olivia. She swatted his arm and muttered. "It's Sam Hill. Shut up."  
"It's—it's—it's—" Lulu stammered. By her, Dante/Dominic burst out laughing.

"Doo de doo doo PENGUIN MAN!" Jason screamed from the other room.

Claudia poked Sonny (or what used to be the infamous mobster) in the chest. The small black-and-white bird (for, indeed, that was what Sonny was) squeaked indignantly and flapped its flippers.

"What the Sam Hell."

"Hill."  
"Heck!"  
"I married a penguin!"

Read! Review! While you're at it, leave the next idea! Remember, anything goes, but Claudia is invincible!

Later!

Love y'all,

Icey


	2. Inadvertent Lip Piercings

Disclaimer: I don't own GH or Britney Spears. Darn to the first, thank God to the second.

Chapter the Second: Pineapple Princess…meet Britney.

When Claudia saw that her husband had transformed into a penguin, she did the only sensible thing:  
She kicked him in the nuts. Then she ran.

Rather, she hobbled, for Claudia was wearing the ever-present red stilettos. While extraordinarily stylish, these shoes are not conductive towards running of any sort. Claudia realized this after precisely two seconds of flight, when her right ankle gave out and she crashed to her knees.

"Fuck!"

Claudia ripped off the demonic footwear and flung it at the ice sculpture. The shoe whacked Kate Howard upside the head instead. Claudia was not disappointed.

"Wardrobe malfunction?"  
Sam crouched by Claudia. Claudia nodded warily. "Yeah, something like that. Of course, I don't mind throwing things at Kate/Connie/whatever the hell her name is now…"

"Yeah," Sam rolled her eyes, "I think you just did us all a favor—at least 'us', the female population. That ankle looks pretty bad," she continued. "Why don't you hang out in my hotel room, and you can put some ice on it."  
"Why are you being nice to me?" Claudia said skeptically. "I was just 'outed' as being the reason for Michael's shooting in front of all of Port Charles. Besides, aren't you Jason Morgan's girlfriend?"  
Sam looked away uncomfortably. "That sounds about right. What's Jason have to do with me being nice to you?"  
"Sam. Don't play the dumb chick. You're Jason's girlfriend," Claudia emphasized. "Shouldn't you hate me by default?"

Sam shot Claudia a dark look. "The next time you even suggest that he controls me, I will maim you. Anyone who has that—" she jerked her head towards the Sonny-penguin, which was making high pitched moans of agony—"for a husband deserves some mercy. Come on, Claudia. Unless you want to be left at the mercy of Kate, the evil beaver ice sculpture, and your, um, penguin?"

"No!" Claudia scrambled to her feet and hissed in pain as she put too much weight on the injured ankle. "I'll live to regret this."  
As the unlikely pair tottered to Sam's hotel room like entrants in a three-legged race, they heard the strangest of noises. It was not unlike the sound of the penguin in the next room.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"There aren't any other penguins, are there?"  
Sam's eyes widened. "Hell, no. That's just Spinelli."  
"_Spinelli_…doing _what_?"

"Singing."

Claudia stopped in her tracks. "No. Oh, no. Take me back to the penguin, please!"

Sam tried and failed to conceal her laughter. "He's not that scary, Claudia." At Claudia's derisive glare, Sam amended, "Well, Spinelli's not so bad once you get to know him." The computer hacker hit a particularly painful high note, causing both women to grimace and cover their ears. "Really."  
"I'm going to kill you when this is all over," Claudia warned.

"I don't doubt it," Sam mumbled. "Spinelli, would you please stop—JASON!"  
"I think I'm going to barf," Claudia said.

Spinelli, Jason, and Maxie were all in various states of undress. All three were hot and sweaty, and all three had equally guilty expressions on their faces. Maxie recovered the quickest. She waved and tried to dart around Sam.

"Oh, no you don't," Sam growled. "Get your ass back in here right now and explain. All of you!" she snapped. "What were you doing?"  
Spinelli blushed. Maxie hung her head and attempted to appear appropriately contrite. Jason, on the other hand, opened his mouth and began to sing:  
"1, 2, 3/Not only you and me/Got one eighty degrees/And I'm caught in between/Countin' 1, 2, 3…"

_I didn't know Jason Morgan could sing, _Claudia thought. As Jason continued onward, she covered her ears and amended, _That doesn't count as singing. That counts as howling._

"Jason, shut up!" Sam screamed. "You're so drunk, you can't even sing straight! That's so disgusting!"

"But it is so beautiful!" Spinelli protested. He sidled up to Jason and wrapped an arm around the mob enforcer's chest. "Stone Cold's melodious voice could bring warmth to any heart!"  
"Yeah, I'll take a raincheck on that one," Claudia snorted. Sam glared at Jason, who continued on his Britney Spears monologue. Then, in what could have only been an act of sheer desperation, Sam hefted the nearest object and flung it at him.

"Ouch," Claudia smirked.

"Ooh, you'll need a face-lift!" squealed Maxie.

"My poor suffering Stone Cold!" (guess who).

"ARGH!" Jason yelled. "I'm being attacked by flying fruit! Nooooooo!"  
Sam growled in frustration. "That's it, Jason Morgan! I'm through!" With that, the raven-haired lady spun on her heel and stormed out of the hotel room.

Everyone, even Claudia, was expecting the mob enforcer to bound out of the room in pursuit of his erstwhile girlfriend. Maybe they even anticipated tears from "Stone Cold." What no one saw coming, however, was exactly what occurred:  
Jason glanced down at the pineapple which lay on the floor. Then he scooped it lovingly to his chest and crooned:

"'Pineapple princess', he calls me pineapple princess all day/As he plays his ukulele on the hill above the bay/'Pineapple princess, I love you, you're the sweetest girl I've seen'/'Some day we're gonna marry and you'll be my pineapple queen'!"

All color drained from Spinelli's face as Jason puckered his lips. "No, Stone Cold, no! You will inadvertently pierce—"

"ARGH!"

"—pierce you lips with the spiny fruit!"

"IT'S A DEMONIC PINEAPPLE! NOOOOOOO!"

"You know," Claudia said, "I would be perfectly happy if someone would just shoot me now."


	3. The Spice Boyz

PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE! THIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY A CRACKFIC! DO NOT DRINK ANY LIQUIDS WHILE READING THIS LEST YOU CHOKE OR SPILL IT ON YOUR BELOVED ELECTRONICS!

The second half of this chapter is courtesy of Mob Princess. I hope she loves this!

All lyrics aren't mine. I'm sorry, Spice Girls. Mob Princess and I couldn't resist.

* * *

**CHAPTER THE THIRD: SPICE BOYZ**

"You know," Claudia said, "I would be perfectly happy if someone would just shoot me now."

"Don't tempt me." Claudia nearly jumped out of her skin when Dante…Dominic…whatever he was calling himself these days…sidled into the room. "You know, I've been trying to kill you for a while."

"Seriously?" Claudia tossed her hair over one shoulder and glanced at the intruder. "What's stopped you?"

Dominic shrugged. "You don't stay still long enough for me to take aim. Besides, I like your brother."

"Tell me you don't mean that in any creepy way."

"Um…why?" Dominic frowned.

Claudia snorted. "Are you looking at" (she gestured towards Jason, who was howling in agony from his inadvertent lip piercing, and Spinelli, who was sobbing at his side) "what I'm looking at?"

"Never mind. Yeah, I can see why you might be a little freaked out."

"Understatement of the freakin' millennium, copper-boy."

"Aieeep!"

The two frenemies froze at the unnatural cry. Dom/Dante's hand slid unconsciously toward his gun. "Claudia, was that…"

"Dear God, I hope not."

_"AIEEEEEEEEEP!"_

"If that's…"

"Dante, if that's who I think it is, you're so not allowed to shoot."

**"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"**

Dominic smirked. "Sorry, Claudia. This is your problem. You look first."

Claudia's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Bastard."

"Bitch."

"True dat, Falconeri spawn," the mob princess sighed as she slowly turned towards the source of the mysterious "aieeeeeeeep!"-ing noise. "True dat."

_**"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"**_

Claudia groaned. "Sonny, would you stop it?" Her husband seemed to glare as he flapped his flippers at her. Internally, Claudia shuddered at the little bird. _How come all the guys I'm with are either kingpins, perverts, penguins, or a combination? _

Beside Claudia, Dominic's eyes widened. "I never thought I'd say this," he muttered as the mobster in question flapped his flippers even more furiously, "but…poor Sonny. That's a pretty horrible situation, y'know, being a penguin and all. It must be frustrating."

"And you aren't even married to him!"

"Aieep! Eep iep ap eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _Ai ai ai ai_ EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

What remained of Claudia's shredded nerves seemed to ignite. She stomped her foot (wincing as the pressure sent knives through her sprained ankle) and screamed.

"MICHAEL CORINTHOS JUNIOR! Would you freakin' SHUT UP?"

Downstairs, Olivia dropped her spiked punch and put a hand to her chest. Kate smirked and slung an arm around the rapidly melting ice beaver. "Oh, Sonny is going to get his little birdie ass kicked."

Back upstairs, Dante/Dominic edged away from the infuriated mob princess. "Sweet Mother of God."

"Ai…eep?"

The penguin—Sonny, Claudia reminded herself—Sonny was hanging his head. His flippers flapped sadly, and his dark eyes—the only thing that hadn't morphed into a sushi-loving avian—were blinking remorsefully up at her. _I'm sorry, _the seemed to say. _Did I yell?_

"Yes, you screamed, actually." _Dear God, I'm talking to a penguin. _"Um, Sonny, I get that you're pissed, okay? I'm the reason. I'm the reason Michael got shot. I know why you're angry; you probably want to kill me now, and I guess you have all the rights to! You just can't right now, okay? You're a little frozen bird stuck in a little tuxedo, and until Jason or Johnny or somebody else in this city with brains gets sober, you're going to be a penguin! Screaming at me won't change anything; it'll just annoy everybody!"

The penguin blinked. Claudia noticed that Sonny was staring vaguely in Dominic's direction and that the Falconeri-spawn was trying to edge away. With a smirk, Claudia dragged Dominic back towards the penguin. "Oh, no, you don't. Sonny, even if he were intelligent, Dominic's nowhere near sober. Still," she eyed the underling thoughtfully, "if it's a human sacrifice you want, hot stuff…"

"No, dammit! I refuse!"

Not-so-melodious laughter sounded from the hallway. "Refuse what?" Lulu giggled tipsily. "Is Claudia trying to have a penguin threesome with you?"  
"Mother of—"

"No! No, no, no, no. No penguin threesomes here, Blondie." When Lulu raised a skeptical eyebrow, Claudia thought fast. "Dominic was just saying that he refused to exercise his voice box in a, um, feisty round of, uh, karaoke!"

Dominic stopped struggling and stared. "I…did?"

Lulu blinked. "Dominic…did?"

"Play along, flyboy," Claudia growled, "unless you want to be fed to my husband."

"What are you going to sing?"

"Sing? Did I just hear a request for a song?"

Dominic and Claudia paled. Even Sonny seemed to go a tad green around the gills (well, whatever penguins have!). "Hell in a handbasket."

"I hate you. I hate you."

Jason grinned lazily—drunkenly—from the hotel room door. His lip was still bleeding, so he looked a bit to Claudia like a demented inebriated vampire. A microphone was swinging from his hand. "Ladies and gents, are you ready for the Spice Boys?"

"I'm getting out of—shit—" Claudia's ankle gave out as she sprinted for the exit. The penguin scuttled behind her in terror as Jason advanced on them menacingly. "Okay, Spice Boy, what do you have for us? Bring it!"

The mob enforcer's crazed smile widened. He brought the mic up to his mouth. "Let's do this. Spice Boys at the ready! _Nerd Spice!"  
_

"At Stone Cold's interminable service!" Spinelli pulled Jason's leather jacket over his bare chest and grabbed another microphone.

"Right. _Spoiled Spice!"_

"Right here." Nikolas meandered out from behind a pole and leaned against it with a smirk. "Good evening, Claudia."

"White Knight, shut up. I don't know you right now."

Jason snapped his fingers impatiently. "Stop flirting with the groupies, Spoiled Spice! Okay, _Ignorant Spice!"_

"Seriously?" As he jogged up the stairs, Lucky shot a furious look at Nikolas. "I said I wanted to be Cowboy Spice!"

Nikolas shrugged. "Sorry, Lucky. Jason's in charge. He vetoed it."

"Spoiled Spice! Stop flirting with your brother! Where's Pineapple—oh, yeah, I'm Pineapple Spice." Jason bowed in Claudia's general direction and nearly toppled over. Once the ever-hovering Spinelli had righted his precious master, 'Pineapple Spice' continued: "You joining us, Penguin Spawn Spice?"

The penguin squeaked huffily and tried to burrow behind Claudia. A reluctant chuckle tore from her throat at her erstwhile husband's antics. "Go on, Penguin Spawn. I'm not saving your ass this time. Sorry." As Jason—sorry, 'Pineapple Spice'—and 'Nerd Spice' dragged 'Penguin Spawn Spice' to his microphone, Claudia hissed, "Dominic, do something!"

"Like what?"

"Like arresting them!"

"And blow my cover?" Dominic stared at Claudia. "I still don't get how you know, but that's way beside the point. If I arrest them, Sonny will kill me for betraying him!"

"Dominic, Dante, whatever your name is: Sonny is a penguin. How much damage can he do to you when all he can say is 'aieeeep?'" Claudia put her hands on her hips and glared. "They're going to—"

_**"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,/So tell me what you want, what you really really want,/I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,/So tell me what you want, what you really really want,/I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really/really really wanna zigazig ha!"**_

"Dominic? Please?"

The undercover cop sighed and reached under his jacket for his concealed police badge. "Damn you, Claudia Corinthos. Damn those puppy-dog eyes." Slowly, he rose to his feet and strode toward the wailers.

"Spice Boys!" Out came the badge. "I'm Officer Dante Falconeri. Hopefully, you're all too drunk to ever remember this." Dom/Dante pulled one set of handcuffs after another. "You are all under arrest for being a common nuisance."

"I'm sorry, Spice Boys." Lulu wiped away a glistening tear. "Your singing career is finished—Wait. Dom, you're a _cop?"_

* * *

GO SPICE BOYS!!!! I LOVE YOU, PENGUIN SPAWN SPICE!

Claudia forever!

Peace out,

Icey.

p.s. suggestions for the next chapters are appreciated!


End file.
